Leaving the Mormon church is two decisions that feel like one. The first is what you believe. The second is what you do about your membership, your marriage and the people who are still in.

Most people make the first decision slowly, over years, and then feel pressure to make the second one in a week. One study of devout members who left found that leaving happens gradually, through a series of events, not in one moment. The second decision deserves the same patience. This page is about that one: resigning or going quiet, and how to do either without losing the people you love.

Resign or go quiet

Both are legitimate. Many people stay on the records for years for family reasons, and many resign because the name on the rolls feels like a lie. Here is what each actually involves.

Going quiet means you stop attending and participating without a formal request. You stay a member on paper. Ward leaders will usually keep reaching out.

Resigning is formal. According to the Church's own General Handbook (section 32.14.9, as of 2026):

  • You can give your bishop a written, signed request. He will usually ask to talk about your concerns first. He then submits it through the stake president.
  • Or you can send a signed, notarized request directly to Church headquarters.
  • The bishop is required to make sure you understand that resigning "revokes all ordinances" and "removes all membership privileges." That includes your baptism and, if you were endowed or sealed, those ordinances too.
  • Coming back later is possible but slow: readmission for adults is not usually considered until at least a year after resigning, and restoring temple blessings takes First Presidency approval.

Your history, family and memories stay yours either way. What resigning adds is a clear statement to the people around you, which is why timing matters more than paperwork.

Ward ministers and visits

For people who resign, the handbook says leaders keep ministering "unless they request no contact." If you go quiet, expect visits and messages too. If you want them to stop, tell your bishop plainly. You don't owe an explanation.

If your spouse still believes

This is where most of the real cost lives. A few things tend to help:

  • Tell your spouse before you act. Before resigning, before taking off garments, before telling your parents. Finding out second is its own injury.
  • No ultimatums. Not about the temple, garments, tithing, callings or the kids' church attendance, at least not in the first months. Your spouse is grieving too. Many believing spouses experience a partner leaving as the loss of an eternal family, and that grief is real to them even if the theology isn't to you.
  • Talk about the practical things separately from belief. Tithing and money. Sundays. What happens at family events. You can agree on logistics long before you agree on anything else.

A mixed-faith marriage can last. It gets much harder when either of you is still trying to win. There's more on the conversation itself in coming out to your spouse, which applies to faith almost word for word.

Garments

For many people, stopping wearing garments is the first visible sign that something has changed, and the moment a spouse or parent notices. Decide when, and tell your spouse before they find out from the laundry.

Your kids

Children who were baptized are members too. If your spouse still believes, expect a long negotiation about church attendance, baptism ages and missions. Aim for what the kids can live with: no one being told the other parent is lost or wrong.

Your parents and the ward

Believing family may explain your leaving as being offended, wanting to sin, or not having enough faith. You'll be tempted to argue the history and the doctrine. Decide in advance what you will and won't discuss. "I'm not going to debate it, but I love you" is a complete sentence you can repeat as often as you need to.

If you live outside Utah, you may also be the only former member you know. Leaving the ward can mean losing your entire social world at once: friends, service, Sunday, the calling that gave your week shape. Plan to replace some of that on purpose, because it won't replace itself.

Who you are now

Without the framework, a lot of questions come back that were answered for you: what you want, what you believe about sex and the body, what a good life looks like, sometimes who you're attracted to. That's normal, and it takes time. The study above describes it as a necessary rebuilding of your emotional life. There's more on that in the word for what you're leaving and leaving the church and your mental health.

The decisions in this page are about sequence and relationships: what to do first, who to tell, how to keep the people you love. That's what I work on in coaching after high-control religion. If you're struggling with anxiety, depression or thoughts of self-harm, see a therapist first, and call or text 988 in a crisis.

You can take as long to leave as it took to believe.